


Yvonne

by Galahard



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Harry Hart is not a happy camper, Very light Hartwin if you squint, cat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 16:56:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9081349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galahard/pseuds/Galahard
Summary: Prompt: Harry Hart, obvious dog!lover, is forced into taking care of Merlin's hell!spawn cat whilst the latter must embark on some extended trip. Cue: mishaps, hijinks, furniture destruction; cats being ridiculous because: cats; fur-covered suits, ruined shoelaces, antipathy; prolonged feline war eventually, maybe, ending in very reluctant, resigned snuggle (aka Harry has little choice in the matter, because: cats).





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [futuredescending](https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuredescending/gifts).



Harry Hart had been through hell and back before. Many times in fact. What made this occasion so different was the fact that Satan had had his servant ring the doorbell, and Harry had invited him in.

For the record, Satan looked a lot cuter than most people suspected. She peered around with wide yellow eyes, which contrasted magnificently with her grey fur, her ears folded down in a way that Merlin proclaimed to be adorable, but merely gave Harry a slightly queasy feeling deep in his stomach.

“Thank you for taking care of Yvonne on such short notice. Eggsy had agreed to watch her over at his place but when I had to send him to Madrid…” Merlin’s voice trailed off with a shrug as he set the pet carrier down in the entryway, then proceeded to situate his suitcase until it was up against the wall. “I think everything you need should be in there. You might have to purchase some more litter, but one container is in there so you can see what sort you need to get, and I’ll reimburse you when I get back. Make sure you don’t get the lightweight kind, Yvonne doesn’t like that one.”

What followed was something Harry wished he could forget. Merlin removed Yvonne from the pet carrier and proceeded to kiss her and cuddle her while crooning terms of affection at her. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever respect the man in the same way again. By the time Merlin was (reluctantly) finished, there was fur everywhere. A thin coating clung to his sweater, and pieces swirled in the air, catching rays of light and mockingly falling all over his clean floor.

“I’ll be back in a week, but Eggsy might be back sooner, so if the two of you really don’t get along he may be able to help out. I don’t want her to be unhappy after all.”

With that Merlin gave Yvonne one final, forlorn look and made his way to the door.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll manage.”

\--------

They were not managing.

So far, Yvonne had knocked over two glasses (one with a finger of whisky still inside), an antique vase his great aunt had given him (which had frankly been hideous, but it was still an heirloom), ate a moth specimen he’d been working on (then proceeded to hack it up on his shoes), sharpened her claws on his favorite chair, and spilled the contents of her water bowl.

Twice.

It had been two hours.

\---------

When he’d gone for supper Yvonne had had to endure her pet carrier for a short while, and when he’d returned she’d shredded his hand when he’d tried to let her out. Now, his right hand heavily (and sloppily) bandaged, he finished setting up the office for her.

His laptop had been removed, and the lamp taken off the desk and moved to the corner (so she couldn’t knock it over), and there was so little in the room that everything should, theoretically, be fine. He’d set up her litterbox on a mat that Merlin had provided, her food bowl was on it’s own mat, and on a third and final mat he’d finally managed to set up her water fountain.

Harry had unpacked her cat bed and scattered her toys around the room as well, the final touch being the Petcube set up in one corner of the room. As soon as he sent Merlin the text that everything was ready the light on the device turned blue and Merlin began crooning to the cat anew, giving Harry an opportunity to slip out of the door.

Finally, peace and quiet.

\---------

Chaos.

Destruction.

Devastation.

His once pristine office, by the time morning rolled around, looked like it had weathered a storm. Somehow litter had been flung farther than the mat had reached, the chair had been knocked over, and worst of all, there were newspaper shreds everywhere.

Shreds that could only have come from one place. The walls.

Most of the bottom row was a completely lost cause, and portions of the second row were in tatters as well. Satan had even managed to reach “All for one and onesie for all” on the third row up, which, in the back of his mind left him wondering how, or it would have if his brain had been functioning.

For now it seemed to be offline as he simply stared, barely recognizing a pressure around his ankles as the hellbeast herself wound around his ankles then scampered out the door.

How the fuck did she even--

\--------

An hour and thirty seven minutes later, and the worst of it was up. At least with the newspaper he could mostly just scoop up the pieces, but he’d had to record which covers he was now missing and would have to go on a scavenger hunt for (and probably pay stupid amounts of money for). Then he’d had to fish slimy strands of paper out of her water fountain, replace the water, and vacuum everything. He’d manage to set things right just in time to hear something crash downstairs, and he hadn’t even had his coffee yet.

\---------

In two days Harry had replaced his shoelaces three times (once she hadn’t even chewed them up, he just had no earthly idea of how to untangle them and had wound up cutting them loose), had switched to plastic cups (and had a new set of crystal tumblers ordered, which he wouldn’t be utilizing until Satan had left his house.

He’d also invested in new bandages, used an entire tube of antibiotic ointment, vacuumed at least three times a day, and had taken to hiding in the shower when he was at home for extensive periods of times.

He was as clean as he’d ever been, but he was taking his fourth shower of the day for the hell of it when she appeared.

There were always rumours of course, that some cats actually liked water, but he’d never really believed them. Now, with the cat slipping through the curtain and sitting just outside of the main spray zone, staring up at him quite judgmentally, he wished he’d paid more attention. For now he found himself scrambling to turn the water off and reaching for a towel to cover himself, hating himself for looking away because they both knew the truth.

He’d lost.

She was in control now.

\---------

Four days in and not even the news that Eggsy was back in England managed to raise his spirits. His third favorite decanter (his favorite was locked up until the house was his own again, and the second was really more for show) was on the end table next to him, and he’d already drained back a double when she appeared.

It seemed like she’d come from out of nowhere, and for all he knew, she actually had. Teleportation seemed likely considering that when he woke up she’d been in the living room, but the door to his office had been shut. But now she was circling on his lap, making a horrific rumbling noise, and then she settled down.

There was no time to relax, even if he’d wanted to. There would be no relaxing as Satan began to rhythmically dig her claws into his leg and then withdraw them, kneading and kneading and kneading and kneading as he winced with each movement.

Nothing could be done though. If he tried to move her she would only attack, and his hands couldn’t take much more.

Well, almost nothing to be done. His third favorite decanter was right there, in easy reach, and the alcohol would hopefully numb whatever feelings he had. He managed to pour with one hand, and if he happened to slosh more than he’d anticipated into the glass, he wasn’t going to complain. It was hard to tell with these plastic ones anyway, and half full would be fine.

Several refills later he really needed to pee.

That and he honestly didn’t really care about anything anymore as he stroked the hellbeast absentmindedly, rubbing behind her ears as the rumbling increased.

He didn’t even really care when he heard the door open, and instead just grinned when he saw Eggsy appear in the doorway.

“Hey, you ain’t been answering my texts.”

“Eggsy! You’re back!”

For some reason his words sounded slightly weird once they were out of his mouth, drawn out slightly or something, but that didn’t stop him. “My phone’s over there. I can’t reach it.” He reached toward it pathetically, not even trying to stretch while making small grabbing motions, a pout tugging at his lips and eyebrows.

“Harry?” There was something in Eggsy’s voice, and it took Harry a moment to place it. Concern. By that point Eggsy had already moved on. “You alright guv?”

“Eggsy,” Harry pointed at his phone, and the hellbeast on his lap opened her eyes to slits at the prolonged disturbance to her nap.

“Wait. Harry, are you fucking drunk? Holy shit, you is ain’t you?”

“You wanna drink?” At least, that was a logical conclusion to whatever Eggsy was talking about, and Harry reached over to slowly pour another drink. He managed not to slosh it everywhere as he emptied the decanter into the plastic cup, which seemed like something to celebrate as he held out the cup to Eggsy.

“Sorry it isn’t full, I think I ran out.”

“Harry, how much did you drink?”

For some reason Eggsy looked scared, but Harry simply shrugged, the movement causing his arm to jostle and whisky to sway in the cup, dangerously close to the lip. “There wasn’t anything else to do.”

He continued petting the cat, not even realizing that he’d never stopped as Eggsy took the cup from him, setting it well out of reach. 

“I’ve really got to pee,” Harry tacked on, “but I can’t get up.” And he couldn’t, but he wasn’t quite sure why. Right, Yvonne.

“I’m glad you two is getting along, we was worried about it,” Eggsy offered as he moved in and scooped the cat up, said cat sinking her claws into Harry’s pants, reluctant to be moved, but finally letting go. “But why don’t you go to the loo and then get a big glass of water down you, yeah? Then we should probably get you to bed.”

“Yes, you should get me to bed,” Harry agreed, nodding enthusiastically as he got to his feet and wandered to the wc, one hand on the wall.

\-------

It took a full 24 hours before he found out about the pictures Eggsy had taken, and by then it was too late.

**Author's Note:**

> I also agree that I like Harry to be a functioning alcoholic...but then I figured there had to be cut off point somewhere!


End file.
